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04/04/03--21:03: Saturday, April 05, 2003 (chan 1696916)

Ignore the

lying gray

on the scattered pages of that notebook.

(sleep well, sleeping beauty)

xs t e v i ex




04/05/03--12:03: Saturday, April 05, 2003 (chan 1696916)

Nevermind, i am not going to the show tonight, and i will not be able to see Miss Laura. Her mother is a hypocrite of all sorts. I know it sounds mean, but she says she can do one thing and then punishes her for past accidents. She treats her daughter like her Barbie Doll, she wants Laura to be something she isnt all because her mother knows best. Why does she want to manipulate her like a doll? Let her be how she wants. I love her mother to death, it's just that she needs to take in consideration that her daughter has feelings and a heart as well. She can think on her own, feel on her own and love on her own, but her mother doesn't see this, if she did, then maybe she wouldnt try so hard to manipulate her so. Where are you going without any make up on? You cant get your hair cut cause i want it long. Yes you can go to the show and take Stevie....NO YOU CANT DRIVE. I love and their hypocritical ways. So uptight, and so wrong in a lot of ways, but remember We are the teenagers that know everything. Ha that is a joke, most of us know we dont know everything, its just our parents wont listen, and thats how we form into the typical rebel. I love this all. HAHA

So yes, i am upset. How can i not be? My friends the ones who saved me, their show is tonight, their first show and i can not go. This happens every time i want to go to a show really bad. The PTW/Thursday show, i was supposed to go to but things went sour, the PTW/Glassjaw, Warped Tour 2002, Benny Henn, Taking Back Sunday, Juliana Theory, Texas Terror Fest, and much much more. All of those shows, i originally had plans to go, but next thing you know something stupid and petty comes up and allows me NOT to go. So i am used to it now, i am imune to the fact that i cant go to shows anymore. Is this a sign? hehe signs. Watch, i probably wont even be able to go down to San Antonio for TBS, or anything of the sort. This is all wrong. Oh well, this night will be spent indulging in the temptations of food, and boredom. Who knows i might create something.

Things that come to mind today...:

1. I need a job
2. I want to see Laura
3. I need money
4. I feel really bad for not being able to go tonight, I am sorry AGSR
5. I need a job so i can get the money i need
6. I miss Laura
7. I am bored
8. She is beautiful
9. You're stupid
10. I am hungry

A list of ten, a list of ten, that i kow wont be done or cared about. But i care so it will be brought upon.

Have a lovely day beautiful.

xs t e v i ex




04/05/03--12:52: Saturday, April 05, 2003 (chan 1696916)

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
01 | Losing her
02 | Dying without knowing Christ
03 | Your moms face

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THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH:
01 | Fricke and Natalie
02 | All of AGSR
03 | Laura

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THREE THINGS I LOVE:
01 | Laura
02 | Friends and xCHRISTx
03 | Music and Fashion
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THREE THINGS I HATE:
01 | Parents who try to manipulate their child like a doll
02 | Snobs, those people who think they are the highest of high
03 | immature-ness (if it is a word)
-----------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:
01 | Why black and Gray cant be our school colours
02 | Why cant i be as sexy as Brandon Boyd
03 | Why Laura Loves me
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THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:
01 | God's Word
02 | Laura's Picture
03 | Leopard print cd case
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:
01 | Hanging up my Texas flag/represent/
02 | rockin' out with some ETID
03 | thinking about someone that i love
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
01 | Have a girl named Alexanderia
02 | Make sure we get a demo out
03 | Go to Alaska                            -----------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
01 l sing/scream
02 l Love                                                                                            03 | Write!
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THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
01| confident
02| Lovable                                                                                                        03| Fashionable
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO:
01 | Play piano
02 | Understand ignorant/stuck up/snobbish people
03 | Do tumbling stuff like all the krunk cheerleaders
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:
01 | A Gun Shot Romance
02 | Bach
03 | Maan and i play the bottles
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER:
01|Anyone who thinks they are better then you.                                

02| Silent Planet
03| satan
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
01 | Mos Def

02   SHA

03   Amazing
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:
01 | Lasagna
02 | Salad
03 | Irish Nachos
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
01 | Orange Juice
02 | lemonade
03 | Not water
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID:
01 | Care Bears
02 | Eureka's Castle
03 | Clarissa Explains It All
------------------------------------------------------------
RANDOM QUESTIONS:
1. Spell your name backwards: eivetS
2. How did you get your xanga name? Alex's bands' name 
3. Are you homosexual? No, but too many people at my school and around me think i am, but i am not.
------------------------------------------------------------
DESCRIBE YOUR:
[x] Wallet – The ugliest brown and it says Schon Herbst which means Beautiful Autumn.      

[x] Hairbrush – maybe if i had one!
[x] Toothbrush – white-ish
[x] Jewelry worn daily – My cool leathery watch, my friendship hair tye from Natalie, my boy scout leather bracelet, The beautiful cross laura got me for V day, and uh...yeah
[x] Pillow cover – I think i am the only person who doesnt have pillow covers on their pillow
[x] Blanket – Black/Gray . 
[x] Coffee cup – This really cool Gray one i made in Art in the 7th grade.
[x] Sunglasses – Pink with sequins(spelling?)
[x] Underwear – Boxers like a mug
[xFavorite Shirt - My Garner 5th Grade Rocks one.                                                             

[x] Cologne/Perfume – Avatar d                                                                                                     

[x] CD in stereo right now – Bleeding Through mix

[x] Tattoos – None 
[x] Piercings – ears.
[x] What you are wearing now –  My AE sexy jeans, my red forum shirt, and my shoesies.
[x] In my mouth – My tongue!
[x] In my head – Laura
[x] Wishing – I could still go tonight, and i want to see Laura right now.
[x] After this – Sit around, listen to some tunes and wait.
[x] Fetishes – Eyes, and fashion
[x] If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason? –Whoever created boredom.                                        

[x] Person you wish you could see right now – Laura/Alex/Hunty/Blakey/Andy/Jon/Natalie/Fricke/My Mommy                 

[x] Is next to you – Bed, Teliephoney, Picture, Mouse
[x] Some of your favorite movies - Fight Club, Empire Records, Chicago, and um..Emperor's New Groove                                                       

[x] Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month(s) – Still being with Laura, Warped Tour, TBS, Hellfest, Texas Terror Fest if its going to happen, and uh..your mom                                  

[x] The last thing you ate – Havent eaten since yesterday but, um i think popcorn
[x] Something that you are deathly afraid of - Dying without knowing xCHRISTx                             

[x] Do you like candles – Yes they are beautiful
[x] Do you like incense – No
[x] Do you like the taste of blood – The knife that i lick after slitting your throat...yes
[x] Do you believe in love -Yes, very much so.                                                 [x] Do you believe in soul mates - YES, of course
[x] Do you believe in love at first sight – Yes
[x] Do you believe in Heaven - SHA DUDE MOS DEF
[x] Do you believe in God - No (I am lying) Yes i do, he is amazing, he is glorious, and he is merciful.
[x] What do you want done with your body when you die – Turned into a diamond so they can give it to you!                                                                                [x] If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be – A yorkie puppy and a kitten                                                                                                       [x] What is the latest you've ever stayed up – 3 days and 3 hours
[x] Can you eat with chopsticks – yeah, but i choose not to
[x] What's your favorite coin – Thats the stupidest question i have ever heard.
[x] What are some of your favorite candies – Smarties.                                                                                                                 [x] What's something that you wish people would understand – My feelings, the truth 
[x] What's something you wish you could understand better – why people partake in certain things they know they shouldnt do.....
[x] Who is someone that you really wish was still around - My cousin david....yeah

Wow that was stupid but fun cause i am BORED...ef all that is fun.




04/10/03--10:47: Thursday, April 10, 2003 (chan 1696916)

So my Father took away my Internet privelages, so i am typing word for word at school, in the Yearbook room, during YearBook. ::sigh::

Things have been working out in my life. God has blessed me with Glorious friends, a beautiful lady, and a healthy life. God is so amazing, i can not even begin to fashion or fathom how amazing he is, i would only confuse myself if i begin to describe his Love. God has blessed me with the most beautiful and most wonderful girl on the face of this Earth, and i Praise Him for it. Thank you.

I haven't written iin awhile, like i am guessing since Monday. My notebook has been un-touched, just sitting on the corner of my desk, awaiting my hand to come do it some justice and feel the ink on its lined paper skin. But i havent had that feeling, and i dont know why. It makes me sick to not have the feeling, (maybe thats why i have felt so ill lately.) I usually fight and scream and love to write, and i do love to write, it's just that these past 4 days have been tough to let out delicate words. My mouth doesnt speak the same and my hand doesnt write the same. My pens have become dry and my notebook has become shy and alone...all because of my sickness. This sickness has me trapped like a mouse, and it's killing me. Maybe this will pass by tomorrow, or will it seep into my skin and poison my blood that will beat so freely to my Heart. I dont know what this is, but it is getting to me, i have to write I HAVE TO, but my Heart feels nothing, whats wrong?

She is beautiful, as usual; but today she is a flame. A flame that sits on top of the crimson candle, and makes the whick dance with beauty. It's as if this world, that she lives in day by day is her candle, and me; i am the whick that she makes dance. I will dance to her voice, her eyes, her skin, her grace; all because i am her whick. Do i play a role in this world, this candle world? aha, but i do; i am the whick. Without me you wouldnt be able to burn so brightly. So keep in mind that our love is the spark, that makes you bright, that makes me dance, that makes us ignite into one form. Our lives are un-touched, we have Love, God, and above it all Friends. I Love You Laura Ruth Neeley, i love you. I cant explain or understand, i just love you. I love you.

_ _ _

So we made plans to hang out; we might of hit up Starbucks, or just sat on the couch, but these plans were changed. A dear friend of ours...interrupts. But i guess it is ok, she is in need of help, and i am sure i can not give it, so M'love will help her. So our plans are no more, i will not see her tonight, which makes my night...nothing. I wish i could say i have something else to do like her, but i cant. i have nothing else to do, no one else to hang out with, and that is simply my fault. Isn't it? I wish she knew how it feels to not have someone all the time, or even part of the time. She has always had someone there, to hang out with, to talk with, to cry with, and i have had an occaison or two or hundred, where i have no one, where i am left at ease to myself. But like i said, that is my fault. But now, with her in my life, i always have someone to talk to or cry with, but there are some times, maybe a lot, where she isnt mine to hang out with. I know it sounds selfish, but in my mind its not, i just want to hang out with her sometimes, a lot of the times, and i was just disappointed that our plans were smashed, that is it.

So, she falls back into the hole where she thinks i am mad at her. Its just that i am so effing sensitive that it makes me vomit (seriously) and i am Sorry, that is all i can say is that i am Truely Sorry and i mean it.

Rejection...? I havent felt it in awhile, which is good. Good indeed.

I love her.

Have a good evening, Beautiful.

(Sleep Well Sleeping Beauty)

xs t e v i ex

(dont expect another entry soon)




04/12/03--20:06: Sunday, April 13, 2003 (chan 1696916)

The night sets our hearts at Love, and our eyes are set on each other. I can smell you, and i can taste you so. Your skin plays upon my hands, like a thespian taking the stage, these dim-lights take as the curtain being lowered, and our kiss taking over the scene. Cant you see that its my Love, that makes tihs happen, that its your Love that makes me Love you more and more? Its all i know, its all i show. I Love You.

Sometimes your action betray your words.

This song plays over and over, and the only lines that i can seem to hear are Oh, i dont think that you know what you've been missing....Hey lush have fun, its the weekend......

Be honest with me please....What are your exact feelings about me, and our relationship? I am too scared to ask you, because things are so perfect.

I Love You

Sleep well Sleeping Beauty.

xs t e v i ex




04/13/03--16:19: Sunday, April 13, 2003 (chan 1696916)

I wish i knew how things were going, but no one ever tells me. I look back at my past, and i see a face so beautiful and clean; oh how i screwed my life over with drugs, and lies; but now i meet the man i call xCHRISTx in the so called life of Stevie, and then i look back down upon you, and realize thaty ou deserve more then me. You deserve someone who is real, i can look at myself and say i am not real, just a smear on this canvas of life. But its you who i look to now, the one i see in my dreams, the one who i think of before i fall into a slumber. Dont forget me, cause i still think of you.

You know how i do.

These arent your words, they are my Love's words.

Why is everything dying....?

Sleep well, will you?

xs t e v i ex

I Love you.




04/14/03--15:35: Monday, April 14, 2003 (chan 1696916)

It's always you in my big dreams.


04/15/03--17:36: Wednesday, April 16, 2003 (chan 1696916)

>i want to be your place to hide<




04/16/03--19:18: Thursday, April 17, 2003 (chan 1696916)

GOS IS AMAZING..PRAISE GOD


04/17/03--16:26: Thursday, April 17, 2003 (chan 1696916)

This is the last, everything has died. Goodbye